Harmony between your Feminine & Masculine
By Nicolette Amarillas
Photo by Allie Foraker
So, I guess I’ll start with what femininity and masculinity mean to me. They represent so much more than their exterior definitions.
To Me:
Femininity (which now that I’m writing, I’m realizing is very difficult to type, thank you autocorrect) is flowing. Its peaceful, its vulnerable and emotional, and its light.
Masculinity (is much easier to spell) and is solid. Its warm, its grounded, and its sound.
Our universe is made of positives and negatives. Yin and Yang. With out this, we would not have balance, we would not have interconnectedness. So, just as everything comprised in the universe needs balance, so do we. This is a balance between our feminine selves and our masculine selves and how we can use both to create happiness and unity from with in.
I would say a majority of my adult life I have spent nurturing my masculinity. Fiery personality, loud and outspoken, need for control and stability, and logical. In the past, femininity, to me, meant weak and feeble. So, in order to not fall to weakness, I distanced myself from what I thought would keep me away from strength and fortitude.
With this, I lost my female energy, my inner most feelings, that divinity within…my period even!! I was disconnected from my body and my spirit. My need for control and stability translated into my 7 year long battle with bulimia, then years more of excessive hyper awareness of food, calories, and nutrients. I had pushed away my femininity almost completely because I was so scared of being vulnerable, being human, not being perfect.
Photo by Mark Kuroda
But what did I do to find this femininity? It didn't just show up at my door one day. I made a decision to incorporate practices that would allow my body to explore my femininity, my vulnerability. I slowly started to calm the fire within me that was getting too hot, too explosive, and too reactive. I craved coolness and calmness, I needed it.
- I started to intuitively eat - I created a healthy relationship with food. Even after recovering from bulimia, I still had many unhealthy habits and self hate talk daily. After 4 years of logging food, I stopped. Now, before every meal I sit down and I ask myself, “What do I want to eat right now?” And I eat just that. I had never allowed myself to choose what I wanted to eat. I was too scared of what my body would say. And now, I feel free.
- I stopped working out with the intention of losing weight - I love lifting weight. I love feeling strong. This is something I will never give up, I will always love it. But my programs changed, my intention for each work out changed. In turn, I now work out less and my work outs are less difficult. I picked up a strong yoga practice and stopped doing cardio multiple times a week. Just as I do with eating, everyday I ask myself “What do I want to do today?” Sometimes its a lift day, sometimes its stretching and many times its simply a walk or hike, or nothing at all.
- I gained weight - Being hyperaware of my food intake and my work outs got me very lean, so lean I still never got my period back after my eating disorder. Once, I started intuitively eating and working out, I gained weight. This is a difficult transition, obviously, but I knew that to create balance, I needed to listen to my body, and wherever it landed me, was where it (my body) wanted to be. I let go.
- I bought lots of books - I read lots of books that changed my perspective and relationship I had with my body. Learning and gaining knowledge helped me feel empowered, strong, and not alone. They gave me a goal and a purpose and something to look forward to. (Books are listed at the end)
Finding my femininity felt freeing. It felt like I had rolled down a car window and finally let the crisp air flow through me. I felt a connection to other women like nothing I had felt before. I felt light on my feet, but confident in my stance.
Photo by Allie Foraker
Femininity and masculinity alone do not suffice, its together that they create harmony within. With out our masculinity we would may lack drive, rational problem solving and groundedness (not a word, fuck it). And without femininity we may lack empathy, ability to draw in and ability to to be quiet. Now, only after experiencing the polarities of both, do I feel the ability to control the constant ebbing and flowing between the dominance of each inside me.
Just as the universe needs opposites in order to create balance, we also need these polarities. A harmonious life starts with recognizing opposites create interconnectedness within us all.
-Nicolette
Books:
When Food is Love by Geneen Roth
Breaking Free from Emotional Eating - Geneen Roth
Anatomy of the Spirit - Caroline Myss
Every. Body. Beautiful - Natalie Carey